|Once again it’s been few months. I guess I’m afraid to write on here a lot because I don’t want what’s in my head to spill over onto here. Like somehow if I don’t say it or write these things out loud then they don’t exist. I got to thinking though, that type of disconnect is the exact environment needed to let negativity grow and fester. The only place that depressive thoughts and feelings can persist is in our heads. That is why it is so frustrating, because it makes no sense in our external lives. As soon as we verbalize things out loud and express them, they become much easier to manage and deal with because we realize just how irrational they are. Yet for some reason the usual response is the opposite. Why? For me it’s partly because I don’t want people to worry about me, also because I don’t feel like I should be complaining after the things I have done. Another part of me is so comfortable with the depressive thoughts, that dark feelings and moods are almost second nature and very easy to wrap myself in. And yet another part of me feels something else that I’m not quite comfortable sharing, but I am aware of it.
Anyway, a lot has been going on….and a whole lot of nothing. I had the opportunity to apply for early release in August that would have allowed me to be released as early as November 19th of this year. Unfortunately I was denied early release and will be here for the duration of my sentence, which is just 16 more months. I was very upset and angry, old feelings of arrogance and selfishness came into play, but I stopped feeling sorry for myself relatively quickly and remembered that I am where I need to be for what I did. I also recently celebrated 5 years on sobriety on October 23rd. It doesn’t feel like anything special, but I am proud of it. The last time I drank was some hooch the night I got sentenced. I understand that drinking after doing what I did to Vince under the influence of alcohol was horrendous, but all I can think to say is that I am glad I have matured into someone who does not make the same irrational choices that I have always made in the past.
I hope to start writing more as my release gets closer about the transition process. I think it’s an important thing to document, and not something we hear about too much in detail but is especially important in the day and age of the opioid epidemic. Thanks for reading.