Matt’s Story

November Update

Once again it’s been few months. I guess I’m afraid to write on here a lot because I don’t want what’s in my head to spill over onto here. Like somehow if I don’t say it or write these things out loud then they don’t exist. I got to thinking though, that type of disconnect is the exact environment needed to let negativity grow and fester. The only place that depressive thoughts and feelings can persist is in our heads. That is why it is so frustrating, because it makes no sense in our external lives. As soon as we verbalize things out loud and express them, they become much easier to manage and deal with because we realize just how irrational they are. Yet for some reason the usual response is the opposite. Why? For me it’s partly because I don’t want people to worry about me, also because I don’t feel like I should be complaining after the things I have done. Another part of me is so comfortable with the depressive thoughts, that dark feelings and moods are almost second nature and very easy to wrap myself in. And yet another part of me feels something else that I’m not quite comfortable sharing, but I am aware of it.

Anyway, a lot has been going on….and a whole lot of nothing. I had the opportunity to apply for early release in August that would have allowed me to be released as early as November 19th of this year. Unfortunately I was denied early release and will be here for the duration of my sentence, which is just 16 more months. I was very upset and angry, old feelings of arrogance and selfishness came into play, but I stopped feeling sorry for myself relatively quickly and remembered that I am where I need to be for what I did. I also recently celebrated 5 years on sobriety on October 23rd. It doesn’t feel like anything special, but I am proud of it. The last time I drank was some hooch the night I got sentenced. I understand that drinking after doing what I did to Vince under the influence of alcohol was horrendous, but all I can think to say is that I am glad I have matured into someone who does not make the same irrational choices that I have always made in the past.

I hope to start writing more as my release gets closer about the transition process. I think it’s an important thing to document, and not something we hear about too much in detail but is especially important in the day and age of the opioid epidemic. Thanks for reading.

7 comments

  1. Marsha - November 30, 2018 2:07 pm

    Appreciate you sharing this Matt. I too find things easier to deal with and rationalize once I have “talked” about it. Thank you.

    Reply
  2. Beth Barnes - November 30, 2018 4:32 pm

    Matthew-proud of you for your mature stance towards the situation. Hang in there. You are a strong person. Proud of you too!

    Reply
  3. Monica Beith - November 30, 2018 4:53 pm

    I continue to pray for you. You have to live with what did and that is a pretty heavy thing to have t o do. You sound like you are in a relatively good place mentally. God be with you and keep you strong throughout the rest of your sentence.
    All my best.
    Monica Beith

    Reply
  4. Betsy Willi - November 30, 2018 10:18 pm

    I hope that you will continue to be strong for the remainder of your time. Although it may not seem like it, you have many people in your corner.

    Reply
  5. Rob - December 1, 2018 1:06 am

    Good luck, bro.

    Reply
  6. Kelly Merecicky - December 1, 2018 10:53 am

    Matt,
    Have always appreciated your honesty. I can understand the familiarity of depressive thoughts and that they can almost be a comfort zone for us. Proud of you for being proactive in writing this blog and externalizing your thoughts. Will be praying for strength and moments of growth for you as you prepare to transition.
    -Kelly

    Reply
  7. Lee - December 1, 2018 8:52 pm

    Brother I spent over 13 yrs of my life in jail and prison. In 2002 at the age of 29 was heading to prison for the 3rd time. Started sobriety and haven’t found it necessary to take a drink or drug since! Recovery rocks and of course freedom comes with great responsibility! Not a Saint… Went back to prison sober… Because of decisions made from self centered fear. We have a program, a design for living. Your past becomes your greatest asset. My recovery started behind the walls! Prayers of light and peace sent your way! Keep it simple! Trust God! Clean House! Help Others! Love and Service, Lee

    Reply

Have your say