I don’t know when the last time I wrote was, but it could easily be close to a year. I’ve been incarcerated for over two years now. That’s something that I never thought would be a part of my life but this life is like clockwork to me now. I am now a progam aide for the rehab/recovery program here at PCI, and I keep moving forward by helping others move forward too. I am in college both here at the prison through Sinclair CC and through correspondence courses at Ohio U. I have completed about 25 hours so far an am working on another 21 this semester, so I’ve been staying busy. I play music in my free time, and I also follow a strict workout plan everyday. I have never been so disciplined in my entire life.
After awhile in here I started to notice that I began feeling numb a lot. I really am making the best of everything but doing 6 1/2 years in this place requires more than just strength. Some of the smallest things are really what gets to me. It is hard to let people care about me when I know that there is still so much time left before I get out and they will just leave before then anyway. There are people who consistently try to reach out to me but I know that once I engage them, the clock starts ticking on when they will not care anymore. It’s just the way it is in here.
I think about Vince a lot, and I’ve figured out that I will never forgive myself for what I did to him. I am still grappling with it, but it is like trying to hold onto lightning. I can’t rationalize the thought of doing what I did and still being able to be a good person. I can’t seem to make those feelings mesh together so I avoid that too and keep it in the back of my thoughts. I know I am going to have to confront it all at some point, but whenever I try I am already broken before I get anywhere. I don’t know what the next step is but I do know that I will be able to handle it when I need to. That’s one thing that prison had taught me, I am much stronger than I thought I was and I can handle anything that is put in front of me. I still have work to do but I am proud of myself. After I get my degree I will focus on dealing with these emotional and abandonment issues that I have, as well as figuring out how to deal with guilt. That’s my plan for now at least, continue to build myself.