Matt’s Story

Searching: Matthew

I’m constantly being tested all of the time. Life has a way of making us prove what we say we are. I’m doing my best to always make sure that my words match my actions because they never did in the past. I fall short a lot of the time and fall back on what I know when I get pressed but I am changing, I feel different. I can keep going when things get tough where in the past I would have cut and run. The difference is that I am finding out who I am and what I stand for. Now that I’m somewhat healthy it’s easy to see that the majority of people are lost like I was, they were just better at hiding it. I can feel Vince all of the time tugging at my heart and my mind when I start to fall, letting me go too far before I have clarity again. So many things we all do are self-destructive and we seek validation because we don’t feel good about ourselves. That emotional shroud can manifest itself into something very real if left unchecked, look at what I did. We live in a society of apathetic, conceited young people who are constantly overcompensating for a void, I am living proof of that. I read a packet called ‘King Baby’ and it was as if someone had written on paper everything that goes on in my head that I would never want anyone to know. More importantly I realized how afraid I really am of….well everything. The reason that I am changing now is because I am more afraid of hurting someone again. I commented before on ‘I’ve been looking my whole life, I just don’t know what the hell for.” What I’ve been searching for is myself, and the certainty of knowing who I am. We all go through that struggle and the key to it is actually facing what’s in front of us. I’ve questioned myself more in the past 18 months than I ever have, doing what I did forced me to, and I almost didn’t survive it but what I found was certainty in who I didn’t want to be, who I want to be, and most importantly who I am. -Matthew Cordle

2 comments

  1. Nina - December 14, 2014 2:59 am

    I am always so inspired by Matt’s inner voice. The one working so hard to stay true to himself and to the memory of Vincent Canzani. If a family member is reading this, would you let him know I am not able to log in to Jpay at the moment and wanted to pass along a message. I wanted to let him know about a program by AAA that is offered in some states, called Holiday Safe Ride Program.

    “If you feel you are too impaired to drive, AAA will arrange to have you driven and your vehicle safely towed home. The service is free to everyone whether they’re a AAA member or not. If you find yourself in need of a Tipsy Tow, call 1-800-AAA-HELP (1-800-222-435). ”

    Y’all may already know about it. With the holidays upcoming, I thought y’all might want to add it to your resources. Not sure offered everywhere though.

    Matthew and his family, and also Vincent and his family are in our prayers. Thank you for making a difference in the world.

    Nina

    Reply
    • Nina - December 14, 2014 3:02 am

      And to add to that, I was out driving late tonight. I made a promise to not drink (at all) and drive and I didn’t. Thank you for your efforts.

      Reply

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